Why oh why do We Love to Self Sabotage?

A friend of mine was recently complaining to me about how much she misses her ex. They weren’t together for very long and their relationship was going perfectly fine, but she decided to end it. She’s made attempts to get him back, but unfortunately for her it seems he is now content with having a strictly platonic relationship. Now, if you’re anything like me, the first thing you wondered after hearing her story was why would she end the relationship if everything was going well?


I needed answers immediately and proposed this very question to her. To my confusion, she had no clear answer. This caused me to ponder all of the times I abruptly ended relationships, I could have been happy in, for no apparent reason. Was a I too afraid to have a healthy functioning relationship? Or was I just too indecisive to begin settling down? I wasn’t sure.  Because I was unable to solve the mystery of why we enjoy sabotaging  our relationships, I sought out answers from who other than my friends.

After surveying many of my friends, it seemed the common reason why we self sabotage is fear. Fear of commitment, fear of becoming emotionally attached, or fear of dealing with the pain that comes with a breakup. Before our relationships have a chance to develop, we make an attempt to beat our emotions to the punch and end things before they have a chance to truly begin. Although this was the most common reason, I found, why we continuously sabotage ourselves, everyone’s reason for holding themselves back may be different. I decided to do more research to discover why we continue to self  sabotage. Here’s what I found out:

We self sabotage because we enjoy being in control 

I have a friend who admitted to sabotaging her relationships for this very reason. She hates the idea of not being in control of her feelings or what is going on around her, so she takes matters into her own hands even if it doesn’t bring the outcome she initially desired. If you are a person who enjoys being in control, a reason you may end up sabotaging yourself is because you’d rather have control of the outcome than be unsure of what’s to come next.

Feeling like we need excitement 

Now, this one I’ve been guilty of. I ashamed to admit it (mainly because it’s not the most logical way to deal with things), but when I get bored in relationships, I end up sabotaging them. I’m not exactly sure where this need for “excitement” comes from, but it’s definitely caused me pick a couple of fights with my S.O. for no reason.


Feeling unworthy

Another common reason I found that we self sabotage is feeling unworthy or like we don’t deserve positive things in our lives. I’ve fallen victim to this as well. Maybe you haven’t forgiven yourself for something in the past, or maybe you’ve been struggling with building your self-confidence. Either way, when you’re feeling unworthy or undeserving of the positive things in your life, it’s important to remind yourself that everyone (including you) deserves to have positivity in their lives.

We all deserve to experience the joys of success whether it be in the form of reaching a goal, or achieving a strong healthy relationship. When we find ourselves unhappy in a situation, it’s important to reflect on how we got there. At times, we can fail to realize that, the only thing standing in the way of our own happiness is ourselves.